Thankfulness, Day 3

Today, I am thankful for being a mom. If there's one thing I've learned in the last handful of years, its that being a mom isn't a given just because I'm an adult female. During all of our miscarriages the idea of being a mom began to drift further and further away. I knew in my heart God had a family in mind for us, but I would be lying if I said doubt was never running rampant in my mind and heart. 

Today we had such a fun day with Lorelei and Addison. We went to this Family Fun day at the local library. There were clowns and fire breathers and a snake charmer. There was even a 'stilt walker'. Although, arguably, he was more of a 'stilt stander' than a 'walker' as he wasn't actually capable of moving without falling. We had so much fun together even though the entire event was incredibly cheesy. The girls loved it, and that alone made standing around all day totally worth it. 

Later today we went to Starbucks. We each got our delicious drinks as we sat and played UNO as a family for a while. Prior to children, if I were going to sit at Starbucks for an extended period of time, you can bet it wouldn't be to play UNO. Or any other card game. Ever. But having kids changes everything.

Each night I get to tuck the girls into bed. We have a cute little routine that we go through each evening. They both pray, then I pray. Then it's lots of hugs and kisses. As I hug each of them I tell them one thing from the day that made me proud of them, and I remind them that I LOVE being their mom and I am so glad they're mine. As I walk out of their room, Lorelei, without fail says, "Sweet dreams, Mom! I love you, Mom! Good night, Mom! Muahh! Mom!" My night just isn't the same without those sweet little words. And I know the day is coming when she'll decide not to say them anymore. My heart already dreads it.

The thing about being a mom is that it's a lot of work. More than anyone realizes until you're a mom. but more than all of that- being a mom changes you. From the inside out. It starts in the mind and in the heart and very quickly the role of 'mom' completely transforms who you are.  For the better.

I know there are parts of my life that would just be meaningless and empty if it weren't for the children that call me Mom. My entire future is geared towards these precious little people that own my heart, and I wouldn't have it any other way because anything else just seems frivolous and selfish. It's often said that people are generally happiest when pouring into and giving to others. If you do it right, being a mom means endlessly and relentlessly dong just that. Giving and pouring into your children with all you have, from the deepest parts of who you are. It's both exhausting and exhilarating.  It's draining and refreshing. It's biter and it's sweet. It's equally sacrifice and reward. 

And no matter the kind of day, no matter the frustrations, the challenges, the strong wills of tiny people- I am so undeservingly blessed to be trusted with all three of these children. I thank God daily that He would allow me to be their mom. I am so humbled that He would choose me, of all people, to guide and mold Lorelei, Addison, and Jackson. The fact that I get to be their mom is just astounding. Simple as that.  

I am very thankful for them, and very thankful for the role I get to play in their lives. I love being a mom. 


Lorelei- "I'm thankful for all of the blessings that God gives us. I like that we get blessings like real good movies and funny ones, too. And ones that have happy endings. I also like all of our pictures, and those are blessings, too.  And money because then we get to buy lots of stuff. And that's what dads are for. To get us money. God blessed us with a good dad who gets us money."

Addison- "I'm thankful that God makes us and that Daddy made my name Rain because that's my middle name. I love the name Rain because Daddy named me that. That's all I am really thankful for right now."

Thankfulness, Day 2

I am so very thankful for this little family of mine. I can't event think about it without a smile crossing my face. I had no idea I could love 4 people as much as I love Christopher, Lorelei, Addison, and Jackson. My heart literally didn't comprehend the amount and depth of love it would feel before I had them in my life. 

I think back to when Christopher and I were first married. I knew he was the one God wanted for me, and I am so thankful that I stepped in faith rather than following advice from people. I knew our life would be an adventure, and I knew we'd have a family one day. I had no idea the adventure would be in the getting. I just love that our family is built so uniquely. People sometimes comment on how cute our family is, or how our children look just like us, or how we have the cookie cutter family. And I love that though it may seem so on the outside, our little family unit is far from cookie cutter. 

Each of our children have such different stories- all with God's hand prints across them. I even love each of the journeys God took us on as he built our family one child at a time. 

I am so thankful that I get to be married to Christopher and walk through life with him as his wife. I am humbled that God would allow me that role with such an awesome man. 

I am beyond thankful to be Mom to Lorelei, Addison, and Jackson. Three completely different little people that not only challenge me on a daily basis, but bring me more joy than I ever knew possible. I love them so much and am so thankful God made them just for me.  

Lorelei- "I'm thankful for the green dress up dress that I have. I love it because it's green and that's my favorite color and it has diamonds and I love diamonds. I also love it because, well, we get to wear it a lot. And that you made it for us. I'm thankful that it's my favorite color."

Addison- "I'm still thankful for Jackson. I'm thankful that he got born because I love him. He loves me too so much."

Thankfulness, Day 1

I woke up this morning trying to decide what I would write as my first thing to be thankful for this month. Should this go in some specific order??? No, that would be crazy and impossible, I think. Should the first thing I write about be the thing I am absolutely most thankful for? What is that, even? I mean, yes, I could say my salvation. But that seems cliche and very much like a sunday school answer during flannel-graph story time. 

I went over all sorts of things in my head that I'm thankful for and the thing that kept coming to the forefront is that idea that I am thankful for the opportunity to be thankful. That sounds ridiculous, right? I thought so too, at first. Hey, you don't always have to agree with your own thoughts. Or maybe you're supposed to and I'm a freak. Either way.

To be thankful for the opportunity to be thankful... I think the thing of it is that I feel like I 'get' to be thankful more easily than a lot of people.  As I ponder what to write about during Thanksgiving, I have a hard time deciding. Not because it's such a difficult task to pin point anything to be thankful for, but because I have such an abundance of things to thankful for. That doesn't even bring to mention the things I SHOULD be thankful for that I'm probably never even recognize. 

Growing up (until about age 8) I really didn't have a whole lot to be thankful for. Not in the same sense that we often consider thankfulness. I remember one Thanksgiving at school we had to make a craft that centered around the things we were thankful for. Immediately kids started drawing and cutting and glueing as they listed all sorts of fun things they were thankful for. Their new bike, their nice house, new shoes, favorite toys. Even some less materialistic things like their family pet, good food every day, and family. I sat for a while thinking about what I would put on my page and nothing jumped to mind very quickly. I distinctly remember my teacher coming over to me and asking what I was thankful for as if to spur on my productivity. 

"Well, do you have any new toys you're thankful for?" she asked.

"No, not really." I said sheepishly, thinking back to the last new toy I had gotten. I had had a birthday party over a year prior and my dad showed up out of nowhere and brought me hundreds of dollars worth of toys. A Barbie dream house, a Teddy Rucksbin (or however you spell that), and everything else under the sun that a little girl could dream of wanting. But then he disappeared again and I hadn't heard from or seen him. Missing my dad made it hard to care about the toys. They just reminded me that he was gone. Sure, I had gotten toys, but what I really wanted was my dad.

"Well, what about your nice house?" My teacher continued.

Little did she know my 'nice house' was on the verge of being condemned, it had plywood where windows had been broken out, hot water was hit and miss, and you couldn't see the floor for all the junk and trash scattered about. And the only food it had in it were the many boxes of Doritos that had been taken out of the back of a high jacked semi truck destined for Target. Which of my mom's friends stole it and parked it in our yard, I have no idea. But it was there and it was loaded full of chips and flip flops, if I remember correctly. So, that's what we ate for a while even after the police took the semi back. So, I just sat quietly. 

"How about your mom or your dad? Surely you're thankful to have a mom and a dad to take care of you."

"Yeah, I guess so." So that's what I put on my craft. A picture of my mom and my dad. I was thankful for them. Just not in the same way a lot of other kids seemed to be thankful for their parents. I wasn't thankful for them because of how well they took care of me, or how much they loved me. I was thankful for them purely based on the idea that they were my parents. That was it. In truth, and despite how well they kept it together when I was much younger, the only concept of 'parents' I had was my mom as a drug addict, laying lifelessly on her water bed for hours and hours on end all day long. And my dad was in and out of our lives, gone for months at a time. He'd show up for the day and act like life was great. 

That story isn't for the sake of pity, but rather contrast. How different my life is now as an adult, and even in my later childhood. Once I was removed from that situation, I suddenly had all sorts of things to be thankful for. And it seems to have increased consistently ever since. Seeing that change over the years has made me incredibly aware of just how overwhelmingly thankful I should be.

Sure, as an adult looking back, I can find things to be thankful for during that time of my life. However, most are more philosophical and theoretical than tangible. 

So that brings me to today. The thing is, I don't have to sit at a desk and have a teacher help me brainstorm what I'm thankful for. I don't have to think hard, search far, or dig deep for things to appreciate and recognize as blessings. My life is so full of blatantly incredible things and circumstances, finding things to list this month is easy. 

There's no way I could even pretend I lack the opportunity to be thankful. 

And for that, I give thanks. 

Lorelei- “I’m thankful for Bella because she’s the best dog in the whole wide world. She’s so cute and I love her so every morning I kiss her.”

Addison- “I’m thankful for Jackson that he’s so cute and I kiss him a lot and I get to hold him. I just love him a lot. And we have so much fun and I am a big sister.”

Intro to Thankfulness

Every year I watch people use the month of November to name the things they’re thankful for each day.  Obviously being thankful is something that should be a day to day, moment to moment emotion. So in one respect listing the things you’re most thankful for during the month of November seems a little cliche. However, I do think it’s a great opportunity and even discipline, to stop and really consider what our hearts are thankful for.  ..and perhaps what they’re not.  Having to daily sit down and tell about a specific blessing- or even challenge- in our lives that we give thanks for might just give a fresh perspective. 

I decided that this year the girls and I would do something similar. In our house we talk a lot about having a thankful heart. The girls are big enough to understand the holiday of Thanksgiving beyond the turkey and stuffing. Despite their answer when I asked them this morning, they understand that it’s a day to be thankful for all our blessings. To really dive in with them, I will have the girls also tell what they are thankful for each day and I’ll add that to my blog.  Knowing my children, this could be pretty interesting.

Me- “What is Thanksgiving and why do we celebrate it?”

Lorelei- "It means that winter is here and Thanksgiving is when you celebrate being thankful for chicken and stuff."

Addison- "Snow! And after Thanksgiving it means we are moving to Hume Lake!"

Clearly we're off to a fantastic and well grounded start.  Umm... what?  

a little look back, shall we?

One of the first questions we got asked about our pregnancy was why we waited so long to announce that we were having a baby. I didn’t feel like 16 weeks was all that late in the game, but it seems more and more often people announce their pregnancies at week 5 or 6. I guess that makes us a little weird for waiting. The thing is, after so many miscarriages, announcing that you’re pregnant is the last thing you want to do because the fear is always there that you could lose the baby. Dealing with a loss like that is hard enough without having to go back to everyone and explain it. Especially when you add in having to deal with the sympathetic looks, typical Bible verses that in that moment seem too cliche to have any other purpose, and worst- the few people who don’t know what to say and thus never stop talking rather than not say anything at all. They’re the worst! Event hough we had never announced any of our previous pregnancies, people were always nosey and some figured it out and spread the word for us (thanks, again for that). It really did make losing each baby harder and harder with every person we encountered. 

So when this little baby came along, though I felt confident that God had destined him to be ours forever, and God was building him cell by cell to be a healthy little person- that fear and hesitation was still there. Part of me wanted to wait until viability before we told a soul. And an even crazier part of me wished it were realistic to not tell anyone until he was born! But with that thinking, why not wait until he’s ten? We didn’t really set a time when we would tell... we just took it week by week until we both felt comfortable with letting the cat out of the bag.

Though fear played a role in our hesitation to announce, there was also a much (MUCH) more exciting reason to keep our news a secret for a while.  The Tilley family as a whole was about to grow by one more little person! We were so excited for John and Alex to be having their first baby (Even if they tried killing us with anticipation by not finding out the gender!). As their pregnancy went further and further, we got more and more excited for them and everything that little baby was going to mean to our entire family.  While we were shocked and thrilled to finally be expecting a baby of our own, I really felt just as excited for them. We didn’t want to do anything to take the attention from where it should be. After little Trey was born, we just enjoyed getting to buy things for him and shop for him without feeling like our pregnancy and baby were a factor.

A lot of other questions were asked, but most of them weren’t directly asked to us. They were asked ‘about’ us to other people. We expected that though. I know it was shocking for most people to hear that we were pregnant. After all, as far as they knew we couldn’t have kids. Fair enough.  Most couples that ‘cant have kids’ actually can. They just can’t do so naturally. And that’s the boat we were in. It was totally possible all along, and we knew it. It just wasn’t likely to happen the easy way. I think a lot of people fail to realize how many fertility solutions exist. One of the things we looked into a few years ago was something called Snowflake Adoption. Did you know you could adopt embryos? Yes, embryos! And you can have them thawed and transfered into your uterus- and actually carry the pregnancy like any other pregnancy in the world. And give birth just like any other mom? Only, at the end of the day, the baby you gave birth to is actually adopted. I still think that’s incredible! Obviously, that’s not the route we chose in the end. But it’s an example of outside of the box thinking that never occurs to a lot of people.

As a result of that, our close family members and friends got asked a lot of strange questions. And since very few people asked us personally, I got to sit back and watch the show. I found it really entertaining. My favorite ones were the socially awkward ones. One person who has never been particularly close with any of the family was asking Christopher’s mom if the baby was conceived with Christopher’s “stuff”. I felt bad for them that they would be so awkward. I don’t know, but I would feel really embarrassed to ask someone’s mother about her son’s “stuff”! But, I guess if you’re curious, you’re curious.

The other thing that was brought up by a few people was whether or not we felt like we were playing God by using fertility treatments to have a baby. This was a fun one for me to tackle.  I guess I could see where they’re coming from to some extent. But if you think about that for just a second, how can you not realize how absurd it is to think that way? Yes, we have fertility problems. That’s not the same as God coming down from the clouds and saying, “I forbid you to have children!” It just means we have a different path to take in order to get there than some people. The phrase, “Well, if God wanted you to have kids He would give them to you.” was said often. And I agree.. if God wanted us to have kids, He would give them to us. Lorelei and Addison are a great example of that, don’t you think?  They didn’t just land in our laps. We put forth a lot of time, effort, money, dreams, determination- you name it. Just as clear an example is this little boy growing in my womb.  To say that I’m playing God by taking hormone injections, is to say that hormone injections are bigger than God. If that’s the case, I feel bad for your decision to serve such a small god, first of all. The thing is, if you apply this theory to one area of life, you have to be able to apply it to all areas of life. Getting to work can be a challenge. But not so much if you have a car. However, if God wanted you to get to work, wouldn’t He get you there? Is driving your car ‘playing God’? When you get an ear infection you take antibiotics to clear the infection. If God wanted your ear infection to go away, wouldn’t He just not allow you to get it in the first place? Is taking medication ‘playing God’? When you get out of the shower and get dressed, is that ‘playing God’? After all, if He wanted you clothed daily, He would do so Himself, would He not? I know those examples sound absurd, but the bottom line is- any failure to utilize simple and moral advancements and abilities that God has given us, is just as absurd. Nothing we were doing guaranteed us having a baby. It increased the odds physiologically and scientifically. God still had to do it all. I think if any of my own solitary efforts could completely create a human being without God’s help at all- I’d be the richest most sought after person on the face of the planet.

Second, we stepped out in faith with this entire endeavor. We felt that God gave us this desire years ago. Not just to have kids, but to carry a pregnancy. Not because adoption wasn’t good enough, but because our family wasn’t complete even after our adoptions and He had a purpose. Having faith in God’s will means that we step forward in the direction we feel God leading us and expectantly await His work. If we knew for certain God was going to bless us with this baby if we took the steps we did, that would be obedience, rather than faith.  While obedience is invaluable... faith is even moreso.

gotta love life in the Army

Throughout the whole first part of the pregnancy Christopher’s chain of command was talking a lot of sending him to Ranger school. They’d bring it up and then it would get dropped. Then they’d bring it up again and then drop it. It went back and forth for a few months. As time went on, I knew he needed to go by June. While I knew it was a really great opportunity for him, I also knew that Ranger school and the Pre-Ranger course that he’d have to go to first take months.  If he left in June, he would miss the entire second half of the pregnancy and barely make it back in time for the baby to be born potentially. I was so torn between my own selfishness and wanting him to have every chance to progress and succeed in his career. And I knew the longer they waited to send him, the greater the chance of him missing the baby being born. I’m not going to lie, that was a struggle for both of our hearts as we tried to just trust God and go with whatever was required of Chris.

One afternoon Chris walked in the house and said, “Well... I have some bad news and some possible good news.”  I looked at him questioningly and he said, “First, I’m definitely not going to Ranger school. I just came down on orders for Korea. That’s the bad news.” I asked when he had to go, and he said he had to report there mid September. I’m due mid October. I think I said, “Are you freaking kidding me?!” to which he calmly replied, “Yeah, because that’s something I’d joke about, Babe.” Oh.. yeah... touche´. “So what’s the good news?” I asked, feeling totally deflated. “Well, 1st Sgt. is pissed that they gave me orders and he is doesn’t want me leaving, so he’s going to try getting them cancelled.”  That made me feel a little better, but the bottom line was Chris was on orders to Korea and would be gone before the baby was born. I knew something like Korea would happen at some point, so I wasn’t surprised, and I was sad about it. But my hopes were up so high that his orders would be such that he could be here for the baby to be born. Not only did I refuse (at that point) to have the baby alone, I couldn’t imagine going through it all without him by my side. And worst of all, the idea of him not being able to meet his son for an entire year just killed me.

Over the following weeks, Chris’ chain of command made several attempts to keep him here at Fort Bragg. I just have to say, it’s very flattering when your entire chain of command is willing to fight not to lose you. What a compliment for Christopher! But at the same time, we’d been here for two years and he hasn’t had to go anywhere.. we knew something like this was coming and we were okay with that. We just wanted to do what we could to ensure him being around for the birth of our son.  So, back and forth the battle waged between his chain of command and the HRC rep (human resource something or other.. the guy who decides the orders). To no avail, they couldn’t get his orders cancelled. He was going. In honestly, we were fine with it. We just wanted the chance to work on the timing. Chris was finally allowed to file for a deferment, meaning he’d get to report to Korea at a later date on account of having a baby on the way. He had asked for 90 days, and they only gave him 60. It was enough for him to be here for the baby’s birth, which was really great! However, it’s definitely cutting it close as far as the birth, me being cleared to travel so soon afterwards, moving cross country, getting moved in and settled in our new house, all in time for him to leave for Korea when he needs to.  So, we are planning what we can based off the extra 60 days he’s got stateside and trusting God to handle the details along the way.

Chris and I decided it would be best if the kids and I were in California while he’s gone, and part of me is really excited about that. Of course I am going to miss him, but this is what we signed up for and I know we can handle it just fine. We’re happy to serve the way we do, even when it means sacrifice.  I am thrilled to be around so much family during that time. Especially for the kids. Lorelei and Addison will adjust so much better to everything with us being there as opposed to staying here. We are so blessed to have found a place at Hume to rent so we can be ‘home’.

Lorelei is going to be in Kindergarten there, and I can hardly wait. She will have the best teachers and a small class... it’s perfect for her. And Addison is thrilled to be able to go to preschool at Hume. Here at Fort Bragg, she is a little too young to start preschool this year. She misses the cut-off date by just a couple of weeks. Hume is going to be a blessing in so many ways!

So many of the crazy details have changed so often throughout this process, I am excited as we nail each one down and call it ‘planned’. We have a busy and chaotic road ahead of us we we try our best to navigate the move and planning along side the baby being born and my high risk pregnancy.  What’s life without a little adventure, anyway?

imagine that

Someone asked me if its tough to help my children differentiate between make believe and lying.  In all honesty, I have to say no. I know that some parents dread their child's imagination for this very reason. I remember reading an article once where a mother wrote in for advice because she was at her wits end in dealing with her four year old and his constant 'lying'. She gave an example of a lie wherein her son came in from the backyard declaring that nobody should go out there because there is a lion! She immediately chastised him for being dishonest. That broke my heart. She had no idea how to recognize, allow, or encourage her son's imagination. I think kids have a natural ability to imagine that far exceeds what most adults are capable of. To us, our limited ability easily blends in with untruths because we are so lacking in true imagination. We merely "imagine" while children IMAGINE. We steal from untruth to create a very impaired and artificial means of true and actual imagination.  For little children, their make believe world is so big and infinite, it's almost not a choice. Lying, however, is a very distinct choice. 


Very few things make my heart as happy and joyful as a child who knows how to imagine and play make-believe. It's unfortunate when that ability is often snubbed, either purposefully out of a parent's fear, or accidently out of a parent's desire to pacify their child with something like video games and TV for hours on end.  When I see a young little person using their brain and creativity to play, I think it's beautiful. 


So its very proudly that I tell you about Addison and her imaginary friend, Clarabell. Clarabell popped up in conversation one day several weeks ago and has been ever present since. I absolutely love it! First Clarabell lived in Yew Nork. Not to be confused with New York, mind you. Totally different place. She has a mom who's name is Saeji, and a cat named Sayer. She moved here to town from Yew Nork to be close to Addison so they could play all the time. They love the same books, the same clothes, the same foods, the same toys. And they are both excited about preschool this fall.  Addison talks about her all throughout the day and tells us what Clarabell has been doing, and when they plan to get together to play next.  It is so fun to watch her come up with this entire make believe world. The most fun part is that Clarabell doesn't exist within any limit of age, or space, or time. One minute Clarabell is a grown up, and the next moment she is three, just like Addison. 


The thing I find most interesting about all this imagination stuff is how greatly it exaggerates the differences in children.  Lorelei is just the opposite of Addison. She likes to live in a very real and very controlled world. Her imagination only reaches as far as reality does. For instance, when she plays house, only things that can happen in real life can take place in her make believe. Addison will say something like, "and pretend I had a baby and it's a puppy named Patrick." Lorelei won't allow it because people don't have puppies. They have humans. So while she is all about pretend and make believe, it's much different and more reality based than Addison's. 


Watching their two worlds collide is fascinating as it brings out and shows so clearly how each of them operate.  I often have to stop Lorelei from correcting Addison's pretending. When Clarabell goes from being a mom with three kids who was at the dentist with us, to a child driving in a car next to us, Lorelei corrects Addison. "No, that's not possible. She can't be a grown up AAAND a kid at the same time!" I can't count the times I've said, "Lorelei, it's okay. She is pretending, and that's just fine. She can pretend anything she wants."


 Encouraging Lorelei to pretend right along with Addison was my goal. And it seemed to be working. She was getting more and more involved with Clarabell and would ask Addison all sorts of questions about her. Then laying in bed the other night Christopher and I were talking and he said, "You know, Lorelei isn't trying to pretend with Addison. She's not trying to allow and encourage Addison with the whole Clarabell thing when she asks her all those questions. She's totally trying to stump Addison and corner her into admitting Clarabell isn't real. Think about it."  He is totally right. Clever little Lorelei finds Addison's out of the box imagination to be nothing more than a challenging go of entertainment. Without a doubt. Awesome. While I have to secretly give Lorelei credit for her tactics, I suppose the important thing is that Lorelei has learned that everyone pretends differently. She is understanding that it's not possible to control the whole world.. especially someone else's imaginary world. 


All the same, even though they pretend in totally different ways, I am so thankful they can play make believe together. I love so much that they spend hours every day going from one pretend world to another. Sometimes they're puppies, sometimes they're mother and daughter (and lucky me- I get to be grandma!), and sometimes they're doctors and patients. I think it's awesome that they have one another as they learn to imagine and sharpen one another's creativity. 


I sure love my little girls! I even love little Clarabell for all the fun she's brought to us.  ♥  ;)

oooh.. so original

The other day I went to Babies R Us to pick up some stuff we had ordered online. I walked in and asked the clerk and he got all my information and began pulling up our order record. Suddenly he says, "Jennifer Tilley.... Jennifer Tilley. Wait, isn't there an actress with that name?"

Ugh. here we go again. "Yes, there is." I say nicely. Can't be too annoyed with him, right? Even though I've heard it a million times doesn't mean he's said it a million times.  Yet.

Then he preceded to name every movie and show he could think of that she's been in. As he did so, his excitement was rising. Was I supposed to give him a high five for knowing a bunch of movie titles that a chick with my same name played in or something?

Anyway, they he says, "I'll call to the back and have them bring up all your stuff. Watch this!" He picks up his radio. "Hey Mark, can you bring up the order for Jennifer Tilley? The ACTRESS." Then he looks at me like I'm supposed to amazed by his cleverness.

While I wait for this Mark guy to bring up my order, he starts helping other customers, to what I thought would be my relief. Nope. I was wrong.

"That's Jennifer Tilley right there. You know.. like the actress? Yeah, that's her real name!" He said to EVERY. SINGLE. PERSON. in line. They were about as amused as I was. Did he get the hint that he wasn't all that funny? Ten solid minutes of this was a little over board, I thought. I mean, I get the incredibly miraculous phenomenon of two people having the same names, but still.

Then Lorelei pipes up, "Mom, why does that weird guy keep telling people your name?"  Loud enough for him to hear I reply, "You know, I'm wondering the same thing."

Finally Mark shows up, only he forgot some of my stuff and had to go back.. leaving me there even longer to deal with this psycho yahoo.  Eventually I'm on my way out the door, and just when I think the awkwardness is over- "Bye Jennifer Tilley! Great job in the movies!!"

uuugh.

stinky bully on the bus

Have you ever had the (almost) uncontrollable urge to grab a kid by the collar, throw them up against the bus and just light into them? I have. I'll admit it.

While I was very prepared to send Lorelei to preschool this last year, and she was eager to go, I think none of us anticipated some of the challenges she faced. As far as in the classroom, we were spot on. Her behavior and academics were exactly as we thought. Outside of the class was a much different story.

You see, every Friday at school Lorelei would get to choose something from the 'treasure box' in her classroom if she had a good week behavior wise. Each Friday on the bus coming home this older kid (2nd grader) would sit near her and convince her to give him whatever treasure she had gotten that week. One day she came home with this handful of smelly green goo. I was so confused as to what it was and how on earth she got it. There was no way it came from her classroom. She explained that she had a really cool treasure, but that boy told her she had to trade him for his goo. I never did figure out what it was, but it spread green dye all over everything. Gross. Needless to say, that was in the trash imediately. The next week she said she was allowed to get treasure box, but she had nothing to show for it. I asked her where it went and she told me he made her give it to him. That happened a few different times.

My first response wanted so badly to forbid her from every giving or trading her treasure box. Especially with him! But I knew that wasn't really the right call. So she and I had several conversations about choices. We talked about how she gets to chose for herself what she wants to do in those situations. During htose talks she admitted that she never really wanted to give him anything, but she always felt like she had to.

After a little while she was determined not to give him a single thing ever again. I was really proud of her because she struggles with standing up for herself a lot. This is something we work on at playgrounds and the pool and anywhere else we go.

Well, that was just the beginning of something even uglier than green goo. Once the boy realized she wasn't giving him her stuff, he started harassing her. Each day on the bus he would call her names tell her she was stinky. Then he would tell all the other kids that Lorelei was stinky and smelly. By the time she told me this, it had been going on for about two weeks. I couldn't believe it!

We talked about how that made her feel, and she said it didn't hurt her feelings too much because she knew he was just being mean, and she didn't really stink. But she didn't like that he did it. She would argue with him back and forth, "I'm NOT stinky! STOP calling me that!" she would say. To no avail.

Rather then tell her all sorts of clever witty things to say back like I wanted to, I chose the high road. Which, by the way, is possibly the hardest thing I've ever done. ;)  I wanted to go yell at him and yell at his mom. I wanted to go knock on his door with fists clenched. Instead, I convinced her to try ignoring him. That took some serious work because she has to have the last word in everything!

That didn't quite do the trick. He would just get louder and louder. So then we tried another tactic. I told her that she just needs to show him that she's not bothered by him. I asked her how she thinks she could do that. Her response, "Well, I guess I could just tell him something like, 'oh, that's nice.' when he says I'm stinky." Perfect. So the next day she went to school and did just that. She told me afterwards that he didn't really know what to say to her after that. She loved it. So the next time he called her stinky, she smiled this big cheesy grin and said, "Thanks!" and walked away.

I've never been more proud of little sarcasm before. After a little while he stopped completely. I was really proud of her. Mostly, she was proud of herself for learning that mean people are only mean to get a reaction.

More than all of those.. I was proud of myself. Nothing is stronger than a mother's instinct to protect her children. Even from dumb stinky bullies on the bus. The cut throat verbal attacker in me wanted to just go to town. I wanted to grab the kid by his neck and squeeze hard until he'd heard each and everything I had to say.

 I'm thankful that in those moments, and in those ongoing situations, God's grace is big. I'm thankful that in spite of what I want to do, God always comes through with a much better, wiser plan. I'm thankful that He has taught me that as a mother, my responsibility to guide and teach my children far outweighs any desire I have to right a wrong.

Army Ball

About a month ago we went to an Army ball. It was a first for us, and I wasn't particularly looking forward to it. Not so much because I didn't want to go, but because the idea of finding a formal gown to fit over my maternity shaped self was not going to be easy. There was no way I could justify spending a lot on a dress I would only wear once. Thankfully I found this awesome dress online. It wasn't too expensive, but I didn't know if it was going to fit or not. I didn't have time to do an exchange if it was wrong in any way. But, I bought it anyway and it was perfect! I spent a couple days shopping around for matching accessories and even that went better than I had hoped.  


It was really fun getting all dressed up with Christopher and leaving the girls with a sitter for the evening. Needless to say, Christopher looked amazing in his class As. He's a stud. :)


There was a lot of drinking, which wasn't surprising. I got a really dirty look from one woman who thought I was drinking an alcoholic beverage from the bar. It was sprite with cherry in it. I suppose it looked like whatever fruity little cocktail she was drinking herself. She looked at my drink, looked at my belly, and then glared at me with the meanest judgmental look ever. I, of course, in all good taste stared back and took a bigger sip.  She probably thinks I'm the worst mom ever. Oh well.  

baby? what baby? OUR baby?!

Before the girls and I traveled to California for Addison's adoption, Chris and I talked a lot about how we felt our family wasn't quite complete.  But with Addison's adoption hitting every possible road block, we knew we couldn't put effort into any sort of addition yet. The biggest thing was that we both agreed that our family wasn't done growing, and neither of us knew what that was going to lead to or what it would look like.  I told Christopher over and over that I really strongly felt that he was supposed to have a little boy.  That was one of the hardest parts about losing our little Benjamin.  Knowing Christopher, and seeing the kind of man he is, I've always known without doubt that God had built him 
in such a way to be a great dad for a boy.  Even so, with everything on our plates, the whole concept had to be put on hold. 


While the girls and I were in California pushing Addison's adoption forward, Lorelei begin adamantly talking about how she wanted a brother. Mind you, it was never a conversation we had around either of the girls.  Lorelei was sure if she prayed, God would give us a baby. Not only a baby, but a baby from MY belly.  Meanwhile, in my head I was thinking, "Maybe God will allow us to adopt a little boy". Especially since I knew the likelihood of carrying a pregnancy was basically zero. But, alas, she prayed and prayed. Daily. For months on end. 


Once we got home from California and things settled down into a routine, the topic came back up between Christopher and I. I had begun to look into adoption agencies around our area and foster care adoptions.  I figured maybe we would wait until Addison was four, then adopt a one or two year old boy. 


 The more Chris and I talked about it, the more uneasy he was with adopting again. Totally discouraging to me since we didn't have a lot of other options. Finally, Christopher said, "Babe.. don't hate me. But the idea of another adoption makes me want to rip off my own arm just to have something to beat myself with. Or even stab myself in the eye with a fire poker." I wasn't feeling completely differently. It wasn't that our adoptions were bad or that we aren't completely blessed and happy with them. We love that we've been able to adopt the girls.. what an incredible journey!  I think the toll Addison's adoption took on our family though, left us feeling a little less than eager to jump back into another mess. Maybe I was just a little more up for the challenge than he was. But if we both weren't at peace with it, then it didn't have to be adoption. I felt confident God was going to do something.. somehow. Even if it means a path I had never considered or imagined.  All I knew was, God meant for us to have a boy. And with Lorelei praying with such strong faith and expectation, I knew God wouldn't put that desire in her heart just to have her crushed.  My faith, however, doubted the idea that it would be a baby from my own belly. 


Finally, one day Christopher said, "Why don't we look into fertility specialists? We did a long time ago and we couldn't afford it then. Maybe now we could? Or we'll just pay for it for a long time like we have our adoptions. What's the difference?"  I was shocked. "You're seriously okay with that? It's SO expensive and consuming. And invasive." I said. "No.. I said maybe we should look into it. That's all." was his response. Not exactly as hopeful as I wanted, but it was enough. 


I began researching and researching. It didn't take long to find a doctor around here that was pretty renowned in the fertility world. It got even better when I learned that he was an Army doctor at our hospital here on post! I had no idea Army hospitals would have a fertility specialists and endocrinologists. I made an appointment with my regular doctor to get a referral to Dr. Parker, the endocrinologist. Despite what I had been told to expect, I had an appointment with him just a couple of weeks later. Being that he's a soldier, and it was the holidays, I was told not to expect a call back from his office until mid January. It was November at the time.  I was beyond excited to go to the consultation and get the ball rolling and get in to see him much sooner than expected. I was exciting to actually sit down with someone and discuss the issues we have faced and what options we were looking at. 


Dr. Parker's first words to me after he introduced himself were, "So... what can I do for you?" I said, "We want to have a baby." He confidently replied, "Perfect. We can make that happen." Before he had even opened my chart. Even though I knew his confidence was ill placed, it gave me hope that maybe we really could do this. After he asked a lot of questions and got all the specific details and chromosome numbers and miscarriage dates, he explained the plan. The most intimidating part was all the hormones I'd have to be on in order to force control over my ovaries and eggs. But, it was well worth it. I was sure of it.  He then ordered about 18 different blood tests for me to make sure there were no other obstacles to tackle in regards to me carrying a pregnancy. Christopher was black and white. We already knew what we were facing there.


I had heard so many stories and done so much research on how expensive this whole process would be. The average costs incurred with something like this typically reach well into the multi-thousands. I was a little nervous as I walked into the lab to get my blood work done of what the cost of all this would be.  I just jumped in blindly. Because he's an Army doctor and I had a referral, everything was covered 100%. Wow. I had done some research about the hormones I would have to take and per cycle they were going to cost well over $1500. And that was just for the injections I'd have to take. Not to mention everything else I'd be on or the procedure(s).  Then I found out that our fertility clinic on post had a huge grant to help military families... which took the cost of the injectables down to $0. Amazing!! I couldn't believe it. 


We hit a little bump in the road that I was honestly not expecting. We went into this knowing Christopher has a chromosome issue. But I was always told I was perfectly suited to get pregnant and carry fine. We sure had enough testing done early on with our miscarriages to know! However, now as we were stepping forward and gearing up for this process, I was diagnosed with PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome). So not only did we have the known issues to deal with, I had this form of infertility on my side to deal with as well. I was really discouraged, until someone reminded me that challenges aren't actually dead ends. They're opportunities for God to show His power and control despite the things we see as road blocks. And with that, my heart was back in gear and ready to go.


Then the tricky part came into play. Christopher was slotted for airborne school. Exciting for him, but not such great news for us trying to have a baby. I knew Christopher couldn't pass up the opportunity go to go. God had to work the timing out perfectly.  And He did. I was able to start my injectables after he left, and things were perfect just in time for him to come back for the important part. 


Giving myself hormone shots proved to be pretty easy, but boy did they make me sick! By the end of that cycle, before we knew if we were pregnant or not, I kept thinking, "I don't know if I can do that again.. We want a baby, but doing that again might be too much." 


It's routine to have a blood pregnancy test about two weeks after the procedure. So we waited and waited. I tried really hard not to be one of those women who mistook every twinge as a pregnancy symptom. Plus, I was still heavily on hormone supplements, which basically told my body I was pregnant regardless. Every 'symptom' was easily explained by the hormones. Either that, or I was pregnant. :)  I tried not to get my hopes up because statistically, odds were very very low that we would conceive on our first try. The only thing that didn't add up was the strong metallic taste I got in my mouth about a week and a half post procedure.  That is only caused by a dramatic increase in estrogen, the one hormone I wasn't on. Pregnancy causes a drastic rise in estrogen.... it gave me hope!


The day before our routine blood test, I took two home pregnancy tests and they both came back negative.  I wasn't disappointed so much as I was confused because despite the hormones, I really felt pregnant. I remember telling one person who knew about the whole process, "If I had to bet money on it.. I'm saying I'm pregnant.". And really, I was just dreading another cycle of injectables. I told Christopher the tests were negative and on with our day we went. I think we were both a little sad, but not devastated. Again, we knew the statistics all too well. 


The following morning we went to the lab to have our blood work done, and then he headed off for work.  Later that afternoon I got the expected phone call from Dr. Parker's office to officially tell me the results of my labs.  The conversation went like this-


The nurse said, "Well, just wanted to confirm your results. It's a big strong positive and so we'll just need to you come back in on Thursday to retake the test so we can check your numbers."


"WHAT?!" 


"Uhh, I'm just confirming your positive result, and we need to check your numbers in 48 hours.."


"WHAT?!"


"You're pregnant. Did you not know that?"


"WHAT?!? No. I didn't know that."


"Well, didn't you take a test at home?"


"Yeah. Two. Both said negative."


"Well, Honey, them tests are wrong and defective. You're definitely pregnant!"


I hung up and was in shock. Absolute shock. I KNEW I wasn't crazy! 


Then I realized I would get to tell Christopher. We'd never had that whole, "Babe, we're having a baby!" moment. I immediately called him, and he didn't answer. At first I was frustrated, but then it dawned on me that I could take all day and make it a little creative. Who wants to have that moment over the phone? 


Right away I knew what I was going to do. We had a deal from years ago that if he ever agreed to pursue fertility doctors, whatever baby we had he would get to name. Which, if you know Christopher and the ridiculous names he comes up with, you know how bold that was of me to agree to. I never thought it would come to pass, so I really had nothing to worry about. Until now. :) In that moment, I wouldn't have cared if he chose the name Monkey Underpants.. I was pregnant! 


I went out to the store and bought a huge baby names book, a digital pregnancy test, and a gift bag. I took the test when I got home and sure enough, it was positive!  I think my heart was still expecting to see a negative. I wrapped that up along with the book and stuck it in the bag together and waited or him to get home. 

He texted me at some point while I was running around doing all of this to see how my day was. I said it was fine and asked about his. His reply was "Worst. Day. Ever." Usually that makes me sad, but on this particular day, his horrid day was perfect! A few hours later he came home, and I met him at the door. The girls still had no idea, and thankfully were outside jumping on the trampoline. I grabbed his hand and told him, "I know you've had a lousy day. But I got you something that will turn it around. Or make it worse... depending on your perspective, I guess." He looked at me puzzled and without any more words I lead him upstairs. On our bed was the gift bag. I handed it to him and he just looked at me.  He reached in and pulled out the small gift. I could hardly breath as he unwrapped it. Finally, he realized what he was holding. For a split second, he was frozen, just staring at the test in his hands. 

"Are you serious?" He asked as he brought his face up to meet mine. With tears in my eyes I nodded, and with tears in his, he hugged me tighter than ever before.  We were finally pregnant with a baby that had a chance.  

school, school, school

In the last year since being back here in NC, Chris has gotten to do some really great military stuff. He's gone to a few different schools that have been amazing! He's had such cool opportunities and i couldn't be more proud of him. He went to air assault school where he learned to fast rope out of helicopters. No thanks! He also went to WLC, which is the Warrior Leadership Course and necessary for later promotions and stuff. He did great there, as always. Then he also got to go to airborne school. This has been his goal since getting here to Fort Bragg. I was sad to have him gone again, but I was thrilled for him to get the chance to finally get his wings.  He loved every second of Airborne school and has since decided that jumping out of perfectly good aircraft is the coolest thing ever. Once again, may I just say No thanks!

He recently got to jump out of a chinook helicopter, which he had never done before. I guess the jump is a lot different than jumping out of an airplane. The coolest part was that the girls and I got to go see the jump. We hadn't been able to make it to any of his other jumps, so it was really fun!

This isn't Chris, but this is what the jump from a chinook is like.  I guess there's like 6 seconds of absolute freefall before the cute opens. Again.. no thanks!

Now there's talk of another school for him to go to here pretty soon. We will see if it happens. Until then, I won't say too much. :)

Once we got back from California to North Carolina, we had a whole new adjustment for the girls to go through. Not only had they gotten used to just one parent, they were missing their friends and family back in California. Each morning they would wake up and be so excited to see Christopher, though. That made me so happy. These two little girls missed their daddy so much while we had to be away.  We spent the remainder of the summer swimming and riding bikes. Before long, it was time for Lorelei to start preschool. She was so excited to finally go to a 'real school'. Her favorite part was that she get to ride the bus home.  I was a little nervous about that part, mostly because I didn't want her growing up. But, we did it and she loved every second of it.

She had the perfect teacher, Mrs. Sampson, which made my heart settle a little bit. Anyone who knows Lorelei knows how challenging she can be. I knew going to school and being in a classroom was so imprtant not just for her education, but moreso for her social developement. She had a rough couple of weeks as she figured out what behavior was acceptable and what wasn't. After a few phone calls from her teacher and lots and lots of work, she finished up the year as a whole different little girl. I was really thankful that Mrs. Sampson was first off, a Christian, but also a previous social worker and adoptive mother of 11. She had such a wonderful understanding of Lorelei, and was so helpful to me as we all navigated some of Lorelei's issues together. Without Mrs. Sampson, I doubt the year would have been as successful.  Not to mention, she was willing to bring in her previous curriculum from when she taught Kindergarten to challenge Lorelei since normal PreK topics were boring to her.

Now, Lorelei is excited about kindergarten this coming fall. She can hardly wait.

I can't believe I have a kindergartner!!

Addison Rain TILLEY

One of the most freeing days I've ever experienced was Addison's adoption day. Lorelei's day was special, but it didn't feel liberating or freeing because we knew we still had another adoption to go through before our family was legally complete.

After 6 months of living separated from Chris, hours and hours of legal paperwork, attorney fees, lots of traveling, and a whole slew of other unpleasant factors- We finally got to complete Addison's adoption! June 17th was the special day and we were surrounded with our family and friends, which made it even sweeter.  As soon as the case was finished, I was able to breath lighter. I finally felt like we could just be a family without social workers, lawyers, birth parents, home studies, paperwork.. Addison was ours!

After the hearing we all went to the zoo for a fun day of celebrating. Addison LOVED that! And it was such a great time to just relax and be with family.  One of the sweetest things about this day was that it meant we could finally go back home to North Carolina with Christopher! We had missed him so much while us girls were in California getting everything done.

aaaaaand, I'm back.

I am now back to blogging. Shocked?? Me too. I love blogging, but for a while it was really difficult. I love how blogs can keep our families up to date with what's going on in our lives and what not. For a while, however, the big things happening in our life were things I couldn't write about publicly. Not because people weren't allowed to know, but because the legal process we were going through with Addison's adoption left me feeling like our life wasn't just 'ours'.  I felt like I couldn't just put anything out there for the world to see.  That frustrated me, so I stopped writing.

Here we are.. like three decades later and our life is ours and I figure, why not start blogging again?  So here we go. Here's to staying up to date. Here's to remembering my log in information- which took me a while today. :)