I really, really, really want

I am going to Fresno tomorrow and I'm really hoping to get my hair done. I think I want to go back to blond and get a cute cut. It's driving me nuts. I'm waiting to hear back from one girl to see if she can fit me in. I'm going to be so sad if it doesn't work out.

Happy Plane-aversary!

Ok, so we wont be on a plane today, but it is our anniversary! That's just a great episode of Friends. Today is our four year anniversary. So how about some reflection?

The other day Christopher and I were looking at a picture we have by our bed of us just after we got married. And it occured to us that we look old now. Well, older. That was a sad revelation as nobody really wants to get old, right? Four years sure has gone by fast. It actually makes me sad to think about how fast time flies. I feel like one day very soon we'll be old cripples with saggy skin and more memories than dreams. I want so badly to slow life down so I can stop and enjoy every moment, and every smile. Even every tear we share.

I began thinking about the last four years and everything we've gone through, and to be honest, they've been rough. And yet, even through all of our miscarriages and disapointment, the death of my dad, and things like that, our marriage has remained strong.

There hasn't been a day gone by that I wished for someone different. Even in the midst of trials, our relationship wasn't strained. Each trial reminded me of how incredibly lucky I am to have him to lean on. I don't know how I would have handled the heart ache I've experienced in the last few years without him by my side, encouraging me.

More strongly coloring our life together has been the happiness. And I'm not talking about the kind of quiet, peaceful happiness you see at the end of a movie. No, I'm talking about the pure joy and excitement of being together. All the laughing until we cry, our little inside jokes that nobody will ever understand, the things we get to experience with eachother that nobody else can be a part of. It's such a beautiful picture when you put all the little moments together.

I love how in love we still are. And I love how in love we continue to fall. It's so opposite most couples. Every day I still get excited when I wake up next to him. I lay in bed at night dreading sleep because I actually feel like I miss out on him by sleeping. When he comes home from work I hug him like I haven't hugged him in weeks because I can't help it. We still sleep cuddled closely together. Every single kiss is passion rather than mechanical habbit.

We have a love that astounds me. And I am so thankful to the Lord for that. I know it's nothing of my effort. If it were left up to my doing, I'm sure Christopher would be a step closer to becoming "That Guy" (another Friends quote).

The bottom line is that no matter what the future holds, I know that God has blessed me so much already with such an amazing husband. He has a way of making me feel so beautiful and special. Even if our dreams don't come true, even if we never share the joy of having children, our picture will still be painted beautiful with everything we have right now. It's love. And it's amazing.

I know, fire is a bad thing.

This last summer there was a fire just over the hill from where we live. Here are some un-edited pictures of the smoke. The colors were breathtaking. I just stood there in awe of what I was seeing. enjoy.

Bull Riding, Baby!

As many of you know, I'm a big fan of the PBR (Professional Bull Riding). I have been for years, regardless of what my friends and family think of me. For the past few years, the PBR has been in Fresno, which means I get to go see it live. It's amazing, in case you're wondering. Anyhow, here are some of the pictures from Fresno this year. Some of them are blurry, but they're the best I could get from so far away. ... if only the bulls would hold still.

Oh, House..

I borrowed season two of House MD from my friends, Jeremy and Shelbie. I had never watched it before, but I thought it was perfect because it would give me just one more thing to distract myself with while Christopher was gone. I watched the first one on Saturday night and loved it. So of course Hagan Daz (spelling?) ice cream in hand, I watched another, and another, and another.. and on it went. Then I finally looked at the clock and it was 5:50am. And I could have kept watching them, but I decided to try getting some sleep in spite of the fact that I wasn't tired at all. What a great show. I'm thinking it's safe to say I'm addicted. Well, as much as one can get addicted to a television show.

Sunday I spent most of the day with Haley and we had a great time (as if any other outcome is possible, right?). We did some great brain storming for photography stuff. I just have to say, she has such a great eye. I think with some effort, she could really do well.

The best part of the weekend (though closely rivalled with House MD) was Christopher coming home. He got home at about 8:30 Sunday night and I was so glad because it gave us the chance to spend some time together before needing to go to sleep. I hate missing him, but I love when he comes home. He had a great weekend with his brother and that's always good. I love that they do things together. But I love even more that he's home now and I don't have to sleep by myself. Yes, I'm selfish. I've dealt with it... you can too. :)

Beautiful Haley

This is my friend Haley. I think she's beautiful. She blesses my life so much! It also helps that she lets me take pictures of her. :)


I love you Haley!

Welcome to the party

Yes, a party. A pitty party. All for me. :) Christopher just left for the weekend. He and his brother, John, are going to Las Vegas to celebrate John's 21st birthday. Also as a brotherly bachelor party thing since John's getting married in just a couple of weeks. I think it's great that they do things like that together. The only problem is that it leaves me here all alone. No, I'm not afraid to be alone, and I'm not scared of the dark, or that somebody's going to break into my house (we'd have to lock the door for that to happen.. and we live at Hume... enough said). It's just that I'm selfish and spoiled. Plain and simple, I hate being away from him. I hate sleeping by myself. And to be quite honest, I just don't like anybody as much as I like him. ( no offense to those of you that I'll end up hanging out with.. I like you too... just in a much different way.)

I'm not actually sad, just a little bummed. I think it's funny that I get bummed when I wont see him for a few days. But I think that has a lot to do with living at Hume where the longest I go without seeing him is about 5 hours. When we're working, we still have lunch together every day. I get to see him so much more than most women see their husbands. I realize I'm lucky that way, but it's also to my own detriment. I get used to having him with me all the time and when he's gone I'm sad. It's pathetic, really.

On the plus side, I have a list of things that I'm going to do in order to take advantage of the time I have to myself. There are some things that I've been wanting to do for the last few weeks but haven't gotten around to. So, this weekend will be productive. I'm going to go take some pictures. Of what, I'm not really sure yet. I'm also going to better organize my pictures that I've uploaded recently. They're a mess on my computer right now. I'm also going to spend some time with Haley and that's wonderful because I love that girl so much! She's such a blessing to me. Oh, and lets not forget all the sleep I'll be enjoying. :)

Dear Valentine,

Today is February 14th. Lovely Valentine's Day. But you know, I don't care about that at all. This particular day has a completely different, and much less romantic meaning to me. February 14th, 2006- I was pregnant with my little boy, Benjamin. We went in for one of our routine ultrasounds only to find that his heart had stopped beating. We knew that hoping for a full term pregnancy was bold of us after the first three losses. I thought I was prepared to lose him too, but I realized in that moment, I wasn't. There is no way to be prepared. It's impossible to not put hope in the beautiful piece of my life that was growing in my tummy. When I looked at the screen and saw my son, and there were no lines at the bottom showing the rythm of his tiny heart, I knew he was gone. Despite everything that was done in the weeks and months leading up to that moment, I had to say good bye before getting to say hello. Again.

I'm sure I wont always think of Valentine's Day in the same light. One day it might be a day worth smiling on. But for now, Valentine just remings me of my children that I don't get to love on. So all the cheesy cards, chocolate candies, and romantic celebrations will have to wait for another day. I just can't do Valentine's Day like everyone else. Not this year. Not today.

Should be fun

Tonight I'm going down the hill with a few girls to celebrate. We're celebrating Alex and the fact that she's getting married. How are we celebrating, you ask? By throwing a lingerie party. I'm really excited and the girls going are so awesome. It should be a great night. Not to mention the amazing food, Starbucks, and the anticipation of seeing all the different shades of red Alex will turn. Not only when she's opening her gifts, but also while she's out and about with a big poofy veil asking complete strangers to write marriage advice on her pink "Bride to Be" shirt. And the best part is that she has no idea what we're doing. I gave her a list of do's and don'ts that included things to wear, and not to wear, what to bring and what not to bring. To be perfectly honest, most of the stuff I told her I just pulled out of thin air. Completely irrelevant to anything we're doing. But she doesn't know that. I'll take a lot of pictures and post them some time this weekend.. maybe sooner.

For starters

I decided to create a blog. I think the concept is good and it will give me a place to put my thoughts down and share with those who care whats going on in my life on a more consistant basis. And to be quite honest, I'm pretty tired of MySpace. So this will help change things up. Don't worry, those of you who just fell out of your seat- I'm not getting rid of my MySpace account. And even if I did, the world would go on. It's not real life (despite what most 15 year olds think)! For the time being, I'm pretty busy with working the schedule that I do, but eventually things will slow down and then we'll see if I take the blogging world a little more seriously. For now, this will probably be more of a hit and miss sort of thing. All the same, here's to blogging. :)