...

some people make me so mad i feel sick to my stomach. i'm not so possitive that hitting them wouldn't cure their hypocrisy. i'd like to think i'm bigger than that, so i'll never really know for sure.

..j.o.y..

i miss my babies. that's it. not in a depressing sort of way. more in a 'what if' kind of way. what if they'd lived? what if i didn't have to miss them?

despite it all, i am at peace with it. i knew God would get me to the place from which i could look back on the last few years and not regret a thing. from where i sit, i'd say this is the place. i don't fully understand God's plan and reason. i don't think i'll know this side of heaven why He allowed our babies to be conceived and lost. but i do believe He is sovereign. there is one thing i know well, and i know it will full confidence; if our babies lived- any of them- we wouldn't have been able to give a home to jade. she is so precious and wonderful. and while she in no way replaces the little lives that we lost, she brings us a new kind of joy. a healing joy.

even though my heart still, and forever will ache for my little ones, i know i am blessed beyond measure.

tagged

I was recently- wait, scratch that. What a lie. It wasn't recently. Start again- I was 'tagged' over a week ago by my dear friend (see blogs I read: the velvet cloud) and told I needed to post seven random things about myself. Originally, I wasn't going to it, but here I am with laundry to be done, and a rare opportunity for a greatly needed nap. What better thing to do than post seven completely random things about myself? Here we go.

1. I always, ALWAYS, always put my right shoe on first.

2. I honestly and very literally cannot eat a sandwich or hamburger unless it's cut in half. I just can't do it.

3. I think Christmas trees are stupid.

4. If addiction is genetic, I'm screwed. Although, what a great excuse (crutch) for my current coffee addiction.

5. I can't chew gum. It hurts my jaw.

6. Anatomy and physiology fascinate me more than anything else in life.

7. I can think of at least 5 things off the top of my head that I would change about my physical appearance if given the opportunity.

this and that

+'s...

My Beaner's mugs got here today. I ♥ them.

We're already a quarter way through the school year. Wow, it's gone by fast!

My hubby brought me roses and they're currently making my dining room table gorgeous.

I made a really cute Fall-ish centerpiece with the pumpkins Jade picked out from the pumpkin patch yesterday.

We just bought some adorable things for Jade to wear in the lovely cold weather.

-'s...

The cold I have is kicking my butt. I want to cry.

It's 10:15pm and I'm just now finishing work.

I'm worried that we won't ever have more than one child.

In the process of switching my wardrobe form summer to winter, I've completely destroyed my bedroom and laundry room.

I miss my family and I hate that it will be so long before I see them again.

i need a big stick

A couple of days ago I was reading through some news articles online and I came across one that really blew me away. It actually made me mad. No, this has nothing to do with politics. Although, those news articles more often than not make me mad as well. This was about a lesbian couple in PA who were suing their sperm donor for child support. Yes, you read that right. Let’s break this down, shall we?

First- it's not a great idea to get me started on the whole lesbian thing. I think it's disgusting. And instead of saying anything more and running the sure fire risk of hurting all the feelings belonging to you ladies who like other ladies, I'll leave it at that. It's disgusting.

Second- the very fact that it's not even possible for them to have a child together (under any circumstances) should be red flag enough that their choice making skills may be sub-par. Sure, there are always exceptions to the laws of life, but generally speaking; sperm meets egg: baby is made. Never once did anybody throw two eggs together and create life. Hello? So, fine. These two women want to have a baby. So they use sperm donation. Side note- how do they decide who's going to carry the pregnancy? In heterosexual relationships, that decision is made. No question about it. So, when given the choice, what does that conversation look like? Just an interesting thought.

Third- they find a guy whose sperm they want to use. Via insemination, one of them becomes pregnant. They have the baby, and things seem fine. They decide they want another one. They use the same guy’s sperm so the kids are related. That, too, seems fine. Until they decide they don't want to be each other’s life partners anymore. (Sad pouty face) They had filed for legal partnership or whatever you call it, so they are both equally responsible for the children. After the split, we'll say Lady A has custody. Lady B pays child support.

Fourth- Lady B decides it's just too much of a financial burden to pay all that money towards the lives of the children she decided should be brought into the world. Her novel idea? Go after the sperm donor! You know, the nice guy who made all their dreams come true- the guy who gave them they one thing they couldn't give each other- children.

Never in American history has it ever been legally demanded that three adults be financially responsible for a child. It's always been two. Mom and dad, mom and mom, dad and dad, aunt and uncle, grandma and grandpa- whatever. So the odds of their winning the case would seem unlikely. Not to mention the fact that the guy was just the donor! Now, once again, what are the odds of them winning the case? To me, it seems like a no brainer. Of course they shouldn’t win. Duh. They have to be stupid to even try something like that with hopes of winning. Ahh, but wait-

They won the case and the poor donor has to pay $1200 a month.

This makes me want to go sock them in the face. Or at least go to the gym and build up my upper body and hit them from behind with a stick.

cait-bo-bait

This is my sister, Caitlyn. She's graduating from basic training in the Army in just a couple of days. I'm so proud of her. I'm not sure where she's off to next for her AIT, but I'm sure she'll do great.

I love you Cait!

i'm not racist. i'm amused.

Some may say I have a bad sense of humor. I'm not going to debate that because I can't change what I think is funny. If you're offended by this post (or any others, for that matter) you'll have to get over it. Or, as a novel idea, stop reading my blog. Now I've got you intrigued, right?

Back in 2005 Hubby and I took a trip to Michigan to visit my mom. While there we came across this wonderful coffee shop. We ventured into the shop a number of times during our week there. I'd be completely lying if I told you it was because the coffee was good. It was marginally drinkable. I'd also be lying if I told you we went there out of convenience, as if it was the closest coffee place to my mom's house. We passed a few Starbucks on the way. It would also take a lie for me to tell you that their customer service was the selling factor. People were rude in this particular little coffee venue. It was called Beaner's Gourmet Coffee. Ah, now you see why I was amused enough to go back time after time.

While I paid due respect to the cleverness of the name in relation to coffee beans, I couldn't leave with the belief that they had no concept of the derogatory term that hung outside their shop. Where I come from, beaners is a no-no to say to someone. Unless of course you wanted to get punched by the big Hispanic dude who's path you next cross. Understandably so, being white and thus being called cracker wasn't always great. Although, as pasty as I am, I can't blame anybody for calling me that. Praise Jesus for sunless tanning lotion.

Anyhow, I went online to buy more Beaner's travel mugs but they're no longer being called Beaner's. Hmmm... I can't at all understand why. Now they're called Biggby Coffee. How blah is that? Luckily for me, I found one last style of 'Beaner's Signature Design' mugs and I bought three. Just in case those disappear.

twice made. twice spilled.

Friday morning I made coffee. It got spilled. I made another one during lunch. It got spilled. By 3pm, I had a horrible headache. Maybe I should drink less coffee so I'm not so addicted? Ha, that's a funny joke. Oh, and for the record, I wasn't responsible for spilling either. I wasn't a fan of small children that day.

big dog

Even though I havent' had time to blog, I have something I want to blog about. But that will have to wait because today is October 1st. Not a day very significant to most of you, I realize. Today marks 6 months exactly since we met, fell in love with, and brought home Jade. Six months exactly. It has gone by so fast!

So, in honor of today, I will recap a conversation that happened yesterday:

While outside the general store, Jade and I ran into Edward Lilley (affectionately known as Pal), Calen Plouffe, and David Hartmann. They were all talking to Jade, and just as I have taught her, she was acting shy. (she's learning the rules of hard to get at an early age.) After a few minutes she began to come out of her shell and be her normal silly self.

"What's your name?" the boys asked.

With a shrug of her little shoulders, "Big Dog."

"Your name is Big Dog?"

"Yeah."

First she named herself Lorelei (yeah, she really did) and now she's wanting to be called Big Dog. I'm not so sure about this one.