..j.o.y..

i miss my babies. that's it. not in a depressing sort of way. more in a 'what if' kind of way. what if they'd lived? what if i didn't have to miss them?

despite it all, i am at peace with it. i knew God would get me to the place from which i could look back on the last few years and not regret a thing. from where i sit, i'd say this is the place. i don't fully understand God's plan and reason. i don't think i'll know this side of heaven why He allowed our babies to be conceived and lost. but i do believe He is sovereign. there is one thing i know well, and i know it will full confidence; if our babies lived- any of them- we wouldn't have been able to give a home to jade. she is so precious and wonderful. and while she in no way replaces the little lives that we lost, she brings us a new kind of joy. a healing joy.

even though my heart still, and forever will ache for my little ones, i know i am blessed beyond measure.