Dear Valentine,

Today is February 14th. Lovely Valentine's Day. But you know, I don't care about that at all. This particular day has a completely different, and much less romantic meaning to me. February 14th, 2006- I was pregnant with my little boy, Benjamin. We went in for one of our routine ultrasounds only to find that his heart had stopped beating. We knew that hoping for a full term pregnancy was bold of us after the first three losses. I thought I was prepared to lose him too, but I realized in that moment, I wasn't. There is no way to be prepared. It's impossible to not put hope in the beautiful piece of my life that was growing in my tummy. When I looked at the screen and saw my son, and there were no lines at the bottom showing the rythm of his tiny heart, I knew he was gone. Despite everything that was done in the weeks and months leading up to that moment, I had to say good bye before getting to say hello. Again.

I'm sure I wont always think of Valentine's Day in the same light. One day it might be a day worth smiling on. But for now, Valentine just remings me of my children that I don't get to love on. So all the cheesy cards, chocolate candies, and romantic celebrations will have to wait for another day. I just can't do Valentine's Day like everyone else. Not this year. Not today.