a little look back, shall we?

One of the first questions we got asked about our pregnancy was why we waited so long to announce that we were having a baby. I didn’t feel like 16 weeks was all that late in the game, but it seems more and more often people announce their pregnancies at week 5 or 6. I guess that makes us a little weird for waiting. The thing is, after so many miscarriages, announcing that you’re pregnant is the last thing you want to do because the fear is always there that you could lose the baby. Dealing with a loss like that is hard enough without having to go back to everyone and explain it. Especially when you add in having to deal with the sympathetic looks, typical Bible verses that in that moment seem too cliche to have any other purpose, and worst- the few people who don’t know what to say and thus never stop talking rather than not say anything at all. They’re the worst! Event hough we had never announced any of our previous pregnancies, people were always nosey and some figured it out and spread the word for us (thanks, again for that). It really did make losing each baby harder and harder with every person we encountered. 

So when this little baby came along, though I felt confident that God had destined him to be ours forever, and God was building him cell by cell to be a healthy little person- that fear and hesitation was still there. Part of me wanted to wait until viability before we told a soul. And an even crazier part of me wished it were realistic to not tell anyone until he was born! But with that thinking, why not wait until he’s ten? We didn’t really set a time when we would tell... we just took it week by week until we both felt comfortable with letting the cat out of the bag.

Though fear played a role in our hesitation to announce, there was also a much (MUCH) more exciting reason to keep our news a secret for a while.  The Tilley family as a whole was about to grow by one more little person! We were so excited for John and Alex to be having their first baby (Even if they tried killing us with anticipation by not finding out the gender!). As their pregnancy went further and further, we got more and more excited for them and everything that little baby was going to mean to our entire family.  While we were shocked and thrilled to finally be expecting a baby of our own, I really felt just as excited for them. We didn’t want to do anything to take the attention from where it should be. After little Trey was born, we just enjoyed getting to buy things for him and shop for him without feeling like our pregnancy and baby were a factor.

A lot of other questions were asked, but most of them weren’t directly asked to us. They were asked ‘about’ us to other people. We expected that though. I know it was shocking for most people to hear that we were pregnant. After all, as far as they knew we couldn’t have kids. Fair enough.  Most couples that ‘cant have kids’ actually can. They just can’t do so naturally. And that’s the boat we were in. It was totally possible all along, and we knew it. It just wasn’t likely to happen the easy way. I think a lot of people fail to realize how many fertility solutions exist. One of the things we looked into a few years ago was something called Snowflake Adoption. Did you know you could adopt embryos? Yes, embryos! And you can have them thawed and transfered into your uterus- and actually carry the pregnancy like any other pregnancy in the world. And give birth just like any other mom? Only, at the end of the day, the baby you gave birth to is actually adopted. I still think that’s incredible! Obviously, that’s not the route we chose in the end. But it’s an example of outside of the box thinking that never occurs to a lot of people.

As a result of that, our close family members and friends got asked a lot of strange questions. And since very few people asked us personally, I got to sit back and watch the show. I found it really entertaining. My favorite ones were the socially awkward ones. One person who has never been particularly close with any of the family was asking Christopher’s mom if the baby was conceived with Christopher’s “stuff”. I felt bad for them that they would be so awkward. I don’t know, but I would feel really embarrassed to ask someone’s mother about her son’s “stuff”! But, I guess if you’re curious, you’re curious.

The other thing that was brought up by a few people was whether or not we felt like we were playing God by using fertility treatments to have a baby. This was a fun one for me to tackle.  I guess I could see where they’re coming from to some extent. But if you think about that for just a second, how can you not realize how absurd it is to think that way? Yes, we have fertility problems. That’s not the same as God coming down from the clouds and saying, “I forbid you to have children!” It just means we have a different path to take in order to get there than some people. The phrase, “Well, if God wanted you to have kids He would give them to you.” was said often. And I agree.. if God wanted us to have kids, He would give them to us. Lorelei and Addison are a great example of that, don’t you think?  They didn’t just land in our laps. We put forth a lot of time, effort, money, dreams, determination- you name it. Just as clear an example is this little boy growing in my womb.  To say that I’m playing God by taking hormone injections, is to say that hormone injections are bigger than God. If that’s the case, I feel bad for your decision to serve such a small god, first of all. The thing is, if you apply this theory to one area of life, you have to be able to apply it to all areas of life. Getting to work can be a challenge. But not so much if you have a car. However, if God wanted you to get to work, wouldn’t He get you there? Is driving your car ‘playing God’? When you get an ear infection you take antibiotics to clear the infection. If God wanted your ear infection to go away, wouldn’t He just not allow you to get it in the first place? Is taking medication ‘playing God’? When you get out of the shower and get dressed, is that ‘playing God’? After all, if He wanted you clothed daily, He would do so Himself, would He not? I know those examples sound absurd, but the bottom line is- any failure to utilize simple and moral advancements and abilities that God has given us, is just as absurd. Nothing we were doing guaranteed us having a baby. It increased the odds physiologically and scientifically. God still had to do it all. I think if any of my own solitary efforts could completely create a human being without God’s help at all- I’d be the richest most sought after person on the face of the planet.

Second, we stepped out in faith with this entire endeavor. We felt that God gave us this desire years ago. Not just to have kids, but to carry a pregnancy. Not because adoption wasn’t good enough, but because our family wasn’t complete even after our adoptions and He had a purpose. Having faith in God’s will means that we step forward in the direction we feel God leading us and expectantly await His work. If we knew for certain God was going to bless us with this baby if we took the steps we did, that would be obedience, rather than faith.  While obedience is invaluable... faith is even moreso.

gotta love life in the Army

Throughout the whole first part of the pregnancy Christopher’s chain of command was talking a lot of sending him to Ranger school. They’d bring it up and then it would get dropped. Then they’d bring it up again and then drop it. It went back and forth for a few months. As time went on, I knew he needed to go by June. While I knew it was a really great opportunity for him, I also knew that Ranger school and the Pre-Ranger course that he’d have to go to first take months.  If he left in June, he would miss the entire second half of the pregnancy and barely make it back in time for the baby to be born potentially. I was so torn between my own selfishness and wanting him to have every chance to progress and succeed in his career. And I knew the longer they waited to send him, the greater the chance of him missing the baby being born. I’m not going to lie, that was a struggle for both of our hearts as we tried to just trust God and go with whatever was required of Chris.

One afternoon Chris walked in the house and said, “Well... I have some bad news and some possible good news.”  I looked at him questioningly and he said, “First, I’m definitely not going to Ranger school. I just came down on orders for Korea. That’s the bad news.” I asked when he had to go, and he said he had to report there mid September. I’m due mid October. I think I said, “Are you freaking kidding me?!” to which he calmly replied, “Yeah, because that’s something I’d joke about, Babe.” Oh.. yeah... touche´. “So what’s the good news?” I asked, feeling totally deflated. “Well, 1st Sgt. is pissed that they gave me orders and he is doesn’t want me leaving, so he’s going to try getting them cancelled.”  That made me feel a little better, but the bottom line was Chris was on orders to Korea and would be gone before the baby was born. I knew something like Korea would happen at some point, so I wasn’t surprised, and I was sad about it. But my hopes were up so high that his orders would be such that he could be here for the baby to be born. Not only did I refuse (at that point) to have the baby alone, I couldn’t imagine going through it all without him by my side. And worst of all, the idea of him not being able to meet his son for an entire year just killed me.

Over the following weeks, Chris’ chain of command made several attempts to keep him here at Fort Bragg. I just have to say, it’s very flattering when your entire chain of command is willing to fight not to lose you. What a compliment for Christopher! But at the same time, we’d been here for two years and he hasn’t had to go anywhere.. we knew something like this was coming and we were okay with that. We just wanted to do what we could to ensure him being around for the birth of our son.  So, back and forth the battle waged between his chain of command and the HRC rep (human resource something or other.. the guy who decides the orders). To no avail, they couldn’t get his orders cancelled. He was going. In honestly, we were fine with it. We just wanted the chance to work on the timing. Chris was finally allowed to file for a deferment, meaning he’d get to report to Korea at a later date on account of having a baby on the way. He had asked for 90 days, and they only gave him 60. It was enough for him to be here for the baby’s birth, which was really great! However, it’s definitely cutting it close as far as the birth, me being cleared to travel so soon afterwards, moving cross country, getting moved in and settled in our new house, all in time for him to leave for Korea when he needs to.  So, we are planning what we can based off the extra 60 days he’s got stateside and trusting God to handle the details along the way.

Chris and I decided it would be best if the kids and I were in California while he’s gone, and part of me is really excited about that. Of course I am going to miss him, but this is what we signed up for and I know we can handle it just fine. We’re happy to serve the way we do, even when it means sacrifice.  I am thrilled to be around so much family during that time. Especially for the kids. Lorelei and Addison will adjust so much better to everything with us being there as opposed to staying here. We are so blessed to have found a place at Hume to rent so we can be ‘home’.

Lorelei is going to be in Kindergarten there, and I can hardly wait. She will have the best teachers and a small class... it’s perfect for her. And Addison is thrilled to be able to go to preschool at Hume. Here at Fort Bragg, she is a little too young to start preschool this year. She misses the cut-off date by just a couple of weeks. Hume is going to be a blessing in so many ways!

So many of the crazy details have changed so often throughout this process, I am excited as we nail each one down and call it ‘planned’. We have a busy and chaotic road ahead of us we we try our best to navigate the move and planning along side the baby being born and my high risk pregnancy.  What’s life without a little adventure, anyway?